Spiritual Awakening

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Just a couple months ago, I couldn’t check any of the above. Now, my face is wearing a big smile while going through this list and checking every one of them.

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Fear or Pessimism

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Lately, I’m been haunted by a new business idea a potential business partner proposed. We’ve been talking about working together for many years, and have tried out some projects. I must admit that I haven’t been the most consistent partner and constantly got distracted because I was afraid. As expected, almost all my friends suggested me against this new business proposal which cost more and is riskier on my part, based on my current conditions. Yet, like many other new ideas, I can’t help but think about the possibilities and opportunities behind the realistic stress and uncertainty.

Some say I’m pessimistic as I tend to see the worst outcome first. However, I do not deny possibilities and would usually take actions to test my theories if I can’t seem to turn my brain off the matter. Perhaps it’s my lack of persistence, poor skills or bad calculation. Looking back, it seems as if I tend to act out of impulse than reason most of the time. For a society that makes judgement based on outcomes, I do seem like a fool if I were to go into a business.

For the longest time, I try to make sense of the kind of life I want. The image is clearer and clearer each day. I can now list my strengths and weaknesses without having to think long. And I can now better describe the kind of lifestyle I long for, compared to just one year ago. This new business proposal haunts me because it somehow matches my dream to host travelers. The fear of failure and challenges it will follow; however, keeps my from moving forward.

Yes, I know it takes a lot of efforts and perseverance to start and run a business. And that wouldn’t be a problem if I’m doing something I love.

No, I don’t want to make a decision out of impulse or a mere desire to escape where I don’t want to be. Neither do I want to trap myself in debts before figuring out a way to generate reoccurring income.

Yes, this idea might get me where I want to be and even fulfill my dream.

No, I don’t want to run away from it simply because I’m afraid of failing and pressure.

Yes, I agree it is wise to take calculated risk and not make an impulsive move that might result in a lifelong consequence.

No, I don’t want to give in to physical comfort I have now and continue a life without passion.

Conclusion? Don’t have one at this point. But I decided to keep myself away from conventional expectations, desire to control everything and sheepish thinking. In fact, I’ve been on this experiment for a while and am quite surprised that I’m capable of staying calm when I have no clue what to expect from something or someone. Uncertainty used to drive me crazy. This is why I search for answers to my curiosity about God, something or someone that cannot be understood by my narrow human brain, yet constantly brings warmth to my heart.

As I always believe, what will be will be. If this is what I’m meant to do, I’ll eventually find ways to make it happen. Fear will not govern my life, and being pessimistic is not the solution. NO!

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Peace of Mind

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. For a long time, I refer to myself as more spiritual than religious. Yet, of all religions, I’m most drawn to Christianity, though don’t really have good enough understanding of it or the Bible. Since a young age, I’ve been sent to churches for kids’ programs and Bible studies. There isn’t any Christian history in my family. Moreover, growing up in Taiwan, Christianity has never been the main stream of this society. Yet, I’ve always built great friendships and received heart warming hospitality from Christians wherever I go. Some recent life events have got me into a magnifying examination of my inner self. And out of the blue, I really wanted to read the Bible. So I did.

The Bible was a harsh read for me at a young age. Moreover, I’ve never thought religion is important for me. I’m still not eager to label myself as anything. But there’s an urging curiosity as to why I’ve been deeply attracted to something I don’t wholly understand and could not really be convinced by the words of its people. And that’s why I decided it’s time that I compile research before drawing any conclusion.

Since long ago, if I do pray, all I would pray for is a peace of mind. For me, anything is achievable as long as I’m able to stay emotionally strong and motivated. Self-help and inspirational readings are also the source of my motivation. However, I still haven’t been able to stay consistently active on moving towards my goals and often feel lost still. Lacking  actions and self-directness are known as my weaknesses.  It just seems that I’ve intellectually understand and accept most part of who I am. Yet, I constantly feel there must be a way more suitable for me to stop the cycle of self pitying, falling back to the same darkness and get temporarily intrigued to try something new which may or may not be finished. Something just keeps hanging in mid-air of my heart and I just need to make sense of it. Being an open minded person, I give everything a try.

When it comes to religion, I ask the same questions most agnostics or atheists do. Though I will not put any label on myself until my heart gets the answer it desires, I cannot help but admire how down to earth most of my Christian friends are. They too have many frustrations and doubts. Nevertheless, their strong faith seems to keep them going even in their darkest moments. What is that? Strong will? Individual perseverance? For once, I’d love to “truly” believe that everything will turn out the way it should be.

Since I started reading the Bible and made a mental promise to learn more about this “God,” I started feeling the calm that I’ve been praying for. Moreover, I started taking actions that move me closer towards where I’d like to be in the future. No, there’s no prove one has anything to do with the other. But for the first time in my life, I actually Want To learn more about this religion that I seem to find most of my blessings from throughout my life. Maybe it’s like what my friend said, that I already have all the signs and answers but simply refuse to believe. Or maybe I’ll find out that I was right not be believe this non sense. Whatever it is or will be, it has made my life easier to deal with so far.

There’s still along way to go. And I pray that this peace of mind stays within me and guides me through more dark hours that are yet to come.

Doubt

The “benefit” of the doubt as we say, indicates the positive side of having doubts. Being cynical as I am, I tend not to believe or trust until seeing lots of visible results that support a theory to be real. This goes with how I deal with many different aspects of my life. Take religion for example, though most of my personal belief indicates one particular religion, I refuse to wear a label because I cannot bring myself to believe what I cannot see. Yet at the same time, I believe in the existence of God and many unseen and unexplainable sensations. Also, I do not always agree that one can only believe what one can see. After all, human knowledge can be limited. This doubtful mind of mine surely brings me benefits, while leading me to destruction at the same time.

Lately, I wonder real reason I doubt. Is it because not everything is what it seems? Or, do I do so to make myself believe that life is depressing and reality is cruel so that I’m emotionally more equipped to handle the downs of life. Today, a friend pointed out that I will not get any conclusion by running in this circle of suspicion. I’ve also once come to the conclusion that living in this world of vagueness is why religion survives. It does make me feel calmer and more certain while knowing there is a support that I’ll never be rejected from. This suspicion, nature to question and challenge; however, also pushed me away from many blessings. After all, the ability to believe in good without needing any conventional reasons that are convincing to a common mind, takes a lot of energy and a strong will.

Yet, I suppose, when in doubt, focus on our inner selves and do whatever is guaranteed to bring happiness to them. Really need to stop being a control freak and live for the moments of life. What’s meant to be, will be.

Light in the Tunnel

Life has its way of meddling with our hearts. I feel as though disappointments come when I’m in my up’s, whereas hope shines down on me when things are down.  Some people commented me as an extremist whose emotions swing back and forth at either ends, but never stays in the middle. Maybe that’s why I’ve always been searching for a peace of mind.

It seems to me that everything the human society works towards is to sustain “happiness,” whatever that means for each individuals.  That’s why there’re sayings and quotes about seizing the moments because nothing lasts. But does nothing really last, or is that just an excuse to not work hard to keep it?

Yes, there’re uncontrollable elements. But is it more reasonable to stop trying to make what’s cherishable last, or just make believe that nothing lasts hence learn to let go and not care so much? I’ve allowed myself to live a “in the moment” lifestyle, without expecting what the outcome should be. At the end, I always find me fooling myself. Maybe I’m brain washed. But like this light shining through the clouds. If a never-ending darkness will fall upon us soon, I’ll want to find a way to capture that light and keep it with me for as long as I can. Does that make me a control freak? Maybe…what’s wrong with wanting “the moment” to last as long as possible if I can help it?