Life Happens Most Unexpectedly

Can blessings run out? How different life can be when the state of mind is changed! From a control freak to letting things flow, I’m filled with gratitude every day. Don’t know why I spent that much time worrying and pulling my hair for things I was never meant to control or anticipate. How silly!

Fear or Pessimism

dandelions

Lately, I’m been haunted by a new business idea a potential business partner proposed. We’ve been talking about working together for many years, and have tried out some projects. I must admit that I haven’t been the most consistent partner and constantly got distracted because I was afraid. As expected, almost all my friends suggested me against this new business proposal which cost more and is riskier on my part, based on my current conditions. Yet, like many other new ideas, I can’t help but think about the possibilities and opportunities behind the realistic stress and uncertainty.

Some say I’m pessimistic as I tend to see the worst outcome first. However, I do not deny possibilities and would usually take actions to test my theories if I can’t seem to turn my brain off the matter. Perhaps it’s my lack of persistence, poor skills or bad calculation. Looking back, it seems as if I tend to act out of impulse than reason most of the time. For a society that makes judgement based on outcomes, I do seem like a fool if I were to go into a business.

For the longest time, I try to make sense of the kind of life I want. The image is clearer and clearer each day. I can now list my strengths and weaknesses without having to think long. And I can now better describe the kind of lifestyle I long for, compared to just one year ago. This new business proposal haunts me because it somehow matches my dream to host travelers. The fear of failure and challenges it will follow; however, keeps my from moving forward.

Yes, I know it takes a lot of efforts and perseverance to start and run a business. And that wouldn’t be a problem if I’m doing something I love.

No, I don’t want to make a decision out of impulse or a mere desire to escape where I don’t want to be. Neither do I want to trap myself in debts before figuring out a way to generate reoccurring income.

Yes, this idea might get me where I want to be and even fulfill my dream.

No, I don’t want to run away from it simply because I’m afraid of failing and pressure.

Yes, I agree it is wise to take calculated risk and not make an impulsive move that might result in a lifelong consequence.

No, I don’t want to give in to physical comfort I have now and continue a life without passion.

Conclusion? Don’t have one at this point. But I decided to keep myself away from conventional expectations, desire to control everything and sheepish thinking. In fact, I’ve been on this experiment for a while and am quite surprised that I’m capable of staying calm when I have no clue what to expect from something or someone. Uncertainty used to drive me crazy. This is why I search for answers to my curiosity about God, something or someone that cannot be understood by my narrow human brain, yet constantly brings warmth to my heart.

As I always believe, what will be will be. If this is what I’m meant to do, I’ll eventually find ways to make it happen. Fear will not govern my life, and being pessimistic is not the solution. NO!

pessimistic

Peace of Mind

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. For a long time, I refer to myself as more spiritual than religious. Yet, of all religions, I’m most drawn to Christianity, though don’t really have good enough understanding of it or the Bible. Since a young age, I’ve been sent to churches for kids’ programs and Bible studies. There isn’t any Christian history in my family. Moreover, growing up in Taiwan, Christianity has never been the main stream of this society. Yet, I’ve always built great friendships and received heart warming hospitality from Christians wherever I go. Some recent life events have got me into a magnifying examination of my inner self. And out of the blue, I really wanted to read the Bible. So I did.

The Bible was a harsh read for me at a young age. Moreover, I’ve never thought religion is important for me. I’m still not eager to label myself as anything. But there’s an urging curiosity as to why I’ve been deeply attracted to something I don’t wholly understand and could not really be convinced by the words of its people. And that’s why I decided it’s time that I compile research before drawing any conclusion.

Since long ago, if I do pray, all I would pray for is a peace of mind. For me, anything is achievable as long as I’m able to stay emotionally strong and motivated. Self-help and inspirational readings are also the source of my motivation. However, I still haven’t been able to stay consistently active on moving towards my goals and often feel lost still. Lacking  actions and self-directness are known as my weaknesses.  It just seems that I’ve intellectually understand and accept most part of who I am. Yet, I constantly feel there must be a way more suitable for me to stop the cycle of self pitying, falling back to the same darkness and get temporarily intrigued to try something new which may or may not be finished. Something just keeps hanging in mid-air of my heart and I just need to make sense of it. Being an open minded person, I give everything a try.

When it comes to religion, I ask the same questions most agnostics or atheists do. Though I will not put any label on myself until my heart gets the answer it desires, I cannot help but admire how down to earth most of my Christian friends are. They too have many frustrations and doubts. Nevertheless, their strong faith seems to keep them going even in their darkest moments. What is that? Strong will? Individual perseverance? For once, I’d love to “truly” believe that everything will turn out the way it should be.

Since I started reading the Bible and made a mental promise to learn more about this “God,” I started feeling the calm that I’ve been praying for. Moreover, I started taking actions that move me closer towards where I’d like to be in the future. No, there’s no prove one has anything to do with the other. But for the first time in my life, I actually Want To learn more about this religion that I seem to find most of my blessings from throughout my life. Maybe it’s like what my friend said, that I already have all the signs and answers but simply refuse to believe. Or maybe I’ll find out that I was right not be believe this non sense. Whatever it is or will be, it has made my life easier to deal with so far.

There’s still along way to go. And I pray that this peace of mind stays within me and guides me through more dark hours that are yet to come.

Doubt

The “benefit” of the doubt as we say, indicates the positive side of having doubts. Being cynical as I am, I tend not to believe or trust until seeing lots of visible results that support a theory to be real. This goes with how I deal with many different aspects of my life. Take religion for example, though most of my personal belief indicates one particular religion, I refuse to wear a label because I cannot bring myself to believe what I cannot see. Yet at the same time, I believe in the existence of God and many unseen and unexplainable sensations. Also, I do not always agree that one can only believe what one can see. After all, human knowledge can be limited. This doubtful mind of mine surely brings me benefits, while leading me to destruction at the same time.

Lately, I wonder real reason I doubt. Is it because not everything is what it seems? Or, do I do so to make myself believe that life is depressing and reality is cruel so that I’m emotionally more equipped to handle the downs of life. Today, a friend pointed out that I will not get any conclusion by running in this circle of suspicion. I’ve also once come to the conclusion that living in this world of vagueness is why religion survives. It does make me feel calmer and more certain while knowing there is a support that I’ll never be rejected from. This suspicion, nature to question and challenge; however, also pushed me away from many blessings. After all, the ability to believe in good without needing any conventional reasons that are convincing to a common mind, takes a lot of energy and a strong will.

Yet, I suppose, when in doubt, focus on our inner selves and do whatever is guaranteed to bring happiness to them. Really need to stop being a control freak and live for the moments of life. What’s meant to be, will be.

Light in the Tunnel

Life has its way of meddling with our hearts. I feel as though disappointments come when I’m in my up’s, whereas hope shines down on me when things are down.  Some people commented me as an extremist whose emotions swing back and forth at either ends, but never stays in the middle. Maybe that’s why I’ve always been searching for a peace of mind.

It seems to me that everything the human society works towards is to sustain “happiness,” whatever that means for each individuals.  That’s why there’re sayings and quotes about seizing the moments because nothing lasts. But does nothing really last, or is that just an excuse to not work hard to keep it?

Yes, there’re uncontrollable elements. But is it more reasonable to stop trying to make what’s cherishable last, or just make believe that nothing lasts hence learn to let go and not care so much? I’ve allowed myself to live a “in the moment” lifestyle, without expecting what the outcome should be. At the end, I always find me fooling myself. Maybe I’m brain washed. But like this light shining through the clouds. If a never-ending darkness will fall upon us soon, I’ll want to find a way to capture that light and keep it with me for as long as I can. Does that make me a control freak? Maybe…what’s wrong with wanting “the moment” to last as long as possible if I can help it?

Stuck

Just when I thought I had it all figured out, disappointment finds its way to me again. When will this search end? The search for a purpose and passion. My religious friends shared their mental certainty in God and how they stopped feeling the need to search once they understood and built their connections with God. Though I’m not an Atheist, I don’t know about putting all the hopes and faith in an external force.  I’ve always tried to be self-sufficient whenever possible. It gets tiring sometimes and makes any external assistance looks that much heart-warming. However, at the same time, it bothers me to think that I have to depend on another connection for something to happen. Yet, this is the human world. We rely on different connections to operate the world we live in. When the professional world gets more and more independent and isolated, people try so hard to grab onto any social links to feel alive. Feeling stuck again for the links I tried to build seem to vanish again. No matter how many inspiring and encouraging articles I read to stay positive, I still can’t help but wonder….will this really be it? Will I ever find the way out?

 

Getting Older?

Since a young age, I’ve always dreamed of being in my 60’s. I pictured myself sitting in an antique armchair in my cottage, sharing the adventures of my life to my grandchildren. They would look at me with their big eyes, and cute little mouths open wide in awe, completely captured in the stories of what grandma has done when she was young. Funny thing is, I panicked when I turned 28. It felt like the end of the world because that meant I only had one more year in my 20’s. Somehow, 30 came along peacefully and I’ve been feeling more energetic and goal-oriented ever since then. After getting past what most people think one should do or achieve in their 30’s, I feel more confident and experienced in how to live a fuller life. The image of already being an elderly still comes to me from time to time, and I can’t wait to meet the future me. One reason that I am fond of aging is the experience I’ll already have gained, and presumably the more matured mind that would come along. It calms my mind when there is less “wondering” and more been-there-done-that. As far as I can remember, I’ve always been impatient to get to the finish line of everything.

In the past few years, I started noticing myself growing older mentally as I gradually developed interests in activities I thought I would never do while at a younger age. For example, cooking, gardening and working from home. Cooking has never been my forte nor hobby. And I self-proclaim as a spontaneous cook. Most of the time, I dump whatever I can find in the kitchen to the pot to make a meal. Whatever my ginny pigs said, I deemed reading the recipe as an act of killing my creativity. Lately though, I began having thoughts about following instructions and learning how to properly cook a meal. If time travel existed, and my 20-year-old self were to find out how much I’ve changed in 10 years, she would most likely destroy me on the spot.

Are these inner changes simply a normal process of life, or a sign of getting older? The concept of aging used to scare me, but now I love having treaded more steps in the journey of life. And I can’t wait to see what lies ahead.

In Love With the Idea?

I love trees! Hence, I enjoy being in the woods, nature and most outdoors activities. However, there were times when I could not wait to get back to the hustle and bustle in the city. A friend once jokingly suggested that I’m more in love with the idea of living in the country than the actual lifestyle. Maybe…

Yes, many projects of mine were left unfinished because I either got bored or lost interest. Before announcing my most recent goal to manage a country B&B some day, I went through my head over and over again what it would actually be like living the country. The housekeeping part of it does not appeal to me very much. However, I do take good care of my living environment and start to enjoy being home-bound more often as I get older. Then I envisioned myself driving on the country roads, and through the woods. What can I say? I was immediately sold to that image with my hands in the air. Yet I must say my friend’s suggestion provoked a lot of thoughts in my head. It seems harder for me to let go because I tend to hold on to the idea of situations. The idea of fear and failure, the idea of being alone, the idea of not having enough money to get by, the idea of…

How silly am I to feel blue for these ideas when they may not be reality? And most of the time, I find myself handling the reality of a presumed scenario better than expected. Then why all the doubts?

To be honest, it has been more challenging than I thought to organize a tour package for a business purpose.  And I have slacked and wondered whether this is going to work. Am I only in love with the idea, like many of my previous “flings”? The truth is, this idea is still more appealing than doing what I do now for the rest of my life. So what if I’m more in love with the idea than the reality of adventures? As far as I know, I’ve taken actions to try out most expeditions that came across my mind when I can. How can one achieve great things if he/she is not in love with his/her own ideas?

adventures