Fear or Pessimism


Lately, I’m been haunted by a new business idea a potential business partner proposed. We’ve been talking about working together for many years, and have tried out some projects. I must admit that I haven’t been the most consistent partner and constantly got distracted because I was afraid. As expected, almost all my friends suggested me against this new business proposal which cost more and is riskier on my part, based on my current conditions. Yet, like many other new ideas, I can’t help but think about the possibilities and opportunities behind the realistic stress and uncertainty.

Some say I’m pessimistic as I tend to see the worst outcome first. However, I do not deny possibilities and would usually take actions to test my theories if I can’t seem to turn my brain off the matter. Perhaps it’s my lack of persistence, poor skills or bad calculation. Looking back, it seems as if I tend to act out of impulse than reason most of the time. For a society that makes judgement based on outcomes, I do seem like a fool if I were to go into a business.

For the longest time, I try to make sense of the kind of life I want. The image is clearer and clearer each day. I can now list my strengths and weaknesses without having to think long. And I can now better describe the kind of lifestyle I long for, compared to just one year ago. This new business proposal haunts me because it somehow matches my dream to host travelers. The fear of failure and challenges it will follow; however, keeps my from moving forward.

Yes, I know it takes a lot of efforts and perseverance to start and run a business. And that wouldn’t be a problem if I’m doing something I love.

No, I don’t want to make a decision out of impulse or a mere desire to escape where I don’t want to be. Neither do I want to trap myself in debts before figuring out a way to generate reoccurring income.

Yes, this idea might get me where I want to be and even fulfill my dream.

No, I don’t want to run away from it simply because I’m afraid of failing and pressure.

Yes, I agree it is wise to take calculated risk and not make an impulsive move that might result in a lifelong consequence.

No, I don’t want to give in to physical comfort I have now and continue a life without passion.

Conclusion? Don’t have one at this point. But I decided to keep myself away from conventional expectations, desire to control everything and sheepish thinking. In fact, I’ve been on this experiment for a while and am quite surprised that I’m capable of staying calm when I have no clue what to expect from something or someone. Uncertainty used to drive me crazy. This is why I search for answers to my curiosity about God, something or someone that cannot be understood by my narrow human brain, yet constantly brings warmth to my heart.

As I always believe, what will be will be. If this is what I’m meant to do, I’ll eventually find ways to make it happen. Fear will not govern my life, and being pessimistic is not the solution. NO!




Just when I thought I had it all figured out, disappointment finds its way to me again. When will this search end? The search for a purpose and passion. My religious friends shared their mental certainty in God and how they stopped feeling the need to search once they understood and built their connections with God. Though I’m not an Atheist, I don’t know about putting all the hopes and faith in an external force.  I’ve always tried to be self-sufficient whenever possible. It gets tiring sometimes and makes any external assistance looks that much heart-warming. However, at the same time, it bothers me to think that I have to depend on another connection for something to happen. Yet, this is the human world. We rely on different connections to operate the world we live in. When the professional world gets more and more independent and isolated, people try so hard to grab onto any social links to feel alive. Feeling stuck again for the links I tried to build seem to vanish again. No matter how many inspiring and encouraging articles I read to stay positive, I still can’t help but wonder….will this really be it? Will I ever find the way out?