Life Happens Most Unexpectedly

Can blessings run out? How different life can be when the state of mind is changed! From a control freak to letting things flow, I’m filled with gratitude every day. Don’t know why I spent that much time worrying and pulling my hair for things I was never meant to control or anticipate. How silly!

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Timing

A couple days ago, I was able to catch up with a dear girlfriend online and had the best 2-hour chat across the globe. Our discussion went from family, business to boys. And then we spent quite some time on the topic of timing and expectation. Some of our conversations reminded me of Steve Job’s speech about connecting dots in our lives. It is amazing when I look back and realized how perfect the timing was, when the right people were directed to me when I am in need of strong spiritual support. Many of them are believers in God, which makes me wonder whether He is sending me a message that I’ve been too stubborn to understand.

With the holiday spirits floating around, even on this end of the world among various English-speaking communities, I’m truly thankful for everything given to me. All the opportunities and help that have been gradually presented to me makes me feel alive and hopeful again. It is a strange thing how religion can change one’s state of mind and choices in life. Perhaps it’s merely a great and relaxing weekend that I haven’t had for a long time. Yet, it feels like I seem to finally get a glimpse of that light I’ve been searching for in the tunnel. It’s still far away but at least more visible now. There are still fear and doubts in me. Nevertheless, I’ve decided to trust myself in Him this time around. And with my country tour packages finally launched, my life has moved a little closer to where I want to be. Speaking of timing and patience. Looking back, this blog along with many things and people that I’m grateful for now, would not have existed if everything has been rosy. I guess God knows how to get my attention and got me working!

Peace of Mind

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. For a long time, I refer to myself as more spiritual than religious. Yet, of all religions, I’m most drawn to Christianity, though don’t really have good enough understanding of it or the Bible. Since a young age, I’ve been sent to churches for kids’ programs and Bible studies. There isn’t any Christian history in my family. Moreover, growing up in Taiwan, Christianity has never been the main stream of this society. Yet, I’ve always built great friendships and received heart warming hospitality from Christians wherever I go. Some recent life events have got me into a magnifying examination of my inner self. And out of the blue, I really wanted to read the Bible. So I did.

The Bible was a harsh read for me at a young age. Moreover, I’ve never thought religion is important for me. I’m still not eager to label myself as anything. But there’s an urging curiosity as to why I’ve been deeply attracted to something I don’t wholly understand and could not really be convinced by the words of its people. And that’s why I decided it’s time that I compile research before drawing any conclusion.

Since long ago, if I do pray, all I would pray for is a peace of mind. For me, anything is achievable as long as I’m able to stay emotionally strong and motivated. Self-help and inspirational readings are also the source of my motivation. However, I still haven’t been able to stay consistently active on moving towards my goals and often feel lost still. Lacking  actions and self-directness are known as my weaknesses.  It just seems that I’ve intellectually understand and accept most part of who I am. Yet, I constantly feel there must be a way more suitable for me to stop the cycle of self pitying, falling back to the same darkness and get temporarily intrigued to try something new which may or may not be finished. Something just keeps hanging in mid-air of my heart and I just need to make sense of it. Being an open minded person, I give everything a try.

When it comes to religion, I ask the same questions most agnostics or atheists do. Though I will not put any label on myself until my heart gets the answer it desires, I cannot help but admire how down to earth most of my Christian friends are. They too have many frustrations and doubts. Nevertheless, their strong faith seems to keep them going even in their darkest moments. What is that? Strong will? Individual perseverance? For once, I’d love to “truly” believe that everything will turn out the way it should be.

Since I started reading the Bible and made a mental promise to learn more about this “God,” I started feeling the calm that I’ve been praying for. Moreover, I started taking actions that move me closer towards where I’d like to be in the future. No, there’s no prove one has anything to do with the other. But for the first time in my life, I actually Want To learn more about this religion that I seem to find most of my blessings from throughout my life. Maybe it’s like what my friend said, that I already have all the signs and answers but simply refuse to believe. Or maybe I’ll find out that I was right not be believe this non sense. Whatever it is or will be, it has made my life easier to deal with so far.

There’s still along way to go. And I pray that this peace of mind stays within me and guides me through more dark hours that are yet to come.