Stuck

Just when I thought I had it all figured out, disappointment finds its way to me again. When will this search end? The search for a purpose and passion. My religious friends shared their mental certainty in God and how they stopped feeling the need to search once they understood and built their connections with God. Though I’m not an Atheist, I don’t know about putting all the hopes and faith in an external force.  I’ve always tried to be self-sufficient whenever possible. It gets tiring sometimes and makes any external assistance looks that much heart-warming. However, at the same time, it bothers me to think that I have to depend on another connection for something to happen. Yet, this is the human world. We rely on different connections to operate the world we live in. When the professional world gets more and more independent and isolated, people try so hard to grab onto any social links to feel alive. Feeling stuck again for the links I tried to build seem to vanish again. No matter how many inspiring and encouraging articles I read to stay positive, I still can’t help but wonder….will this really be it? Will I ever find the way out?

 

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Dislocation

Have been feeling dislocated in life for a long time. First, I thought it’s the geolocation – I’m not where I want to be. This is only true in some perspectives, as there are other places I rather be than here. My travel experience has taught me that life in general is not very different elsewhere. Things will get old and routines will make me feel desperate for change wherever I am.

Went to Costco for the first time today after being home in Taiwan. It made me feel at home and mentally dislocated at the same time. Intellectually, I know it is just a place many people go as part of the routines in their lives. Emotionally, flashbacks of the life I was tired of but miss dearly now, went through my head like a movie reel. At this time of my life, I am in need of reality check. There are things I emotionally can’t wait to jump into just to get out of this island, while my rationality tells me to be patient.

The question I keep asking myself is, what will give me a sense of belonging and satisfaction? I know now that materials, powers and social status do not fill my emptiness. As hard as I try to find my passion, nothing concrete seems to burn very long inside of me. Do we must have a purpose in life? Does everything need a reason? Is that how I’m programmed to think? Is there really something missing or is that what the society wants me to believe? Is there a cure for mental dislocation?

 

Road Trip

Finally got this trip down. Been thinking about organizing a small group to Mt. Ali (or Alishan in Chinese) near my home county. Taiwan’s Independence Day (10/10) came in the middle of the week, but is just good enough for me to get this experiment trip going. Alishan is a little different from how I remembered it to be. Perhaps I was too little and everything looked huge and wild for me then.

This time, I went to the scenic area which is like a miniature version of a national park. It wasn’t as crowded as I expected. And that made the hike a lot more pleasant. Smelling the scent of the cypress trees, I felt refreshed from the polluted city air. The lower temperature on a higher altitude in the woods projected the perfect atmosphere of Autumn. I was glad to find that there were quite a few international tourists, as this is one of the promoted tourist spots in Taiwan.

This road trip was mainly to remind myself what this area looks like to evaluate the creation of a tour idea in my mind. Too bad I wasn’t able to get to the squared bamboo trail at a nearby location. But this trip does help giving me an idea of what to do next. Nature has its way to make things clear again. This trip gave me some revelation of my life. Decided to turn my focus on the good things I have, instead of trying to be accepted by those that don’t matter. Appreciate!

Getting Older?

Since a young age, I’ve always dreamed of being in my 60’s. I pictured myself sitting in an antique armchair in my cottage, sharing the adventures of my life to my grandchildren. They would look at me with their big eyes, and cute little mouths open wide in awe, completely captured in the stories of what grandma has done when she was young. Funny thing is, I panicked when I turned 28. It felt like the end of the world because that meant I only had one more year in my 20’s. Somehow, 30 came along peacefully and I’ve been feeling more energetic and goal-oriented ever since then. After getting past what most people think one should do or achieve in their 30’s, I feel more confident and experienced in how to live a fuller life. The image of already being an elderly still comes to me from time to time, and I can’t wait to meet the future me. One reason that I am fond of aging is the experience I’ll already have gained, and presumably the more matured mind that would come along. It calms my mind when there is less “wondering” and more been-there-done-that. As far as I can remember, I’ve always been impatient to get to the finish line of everything.

In the past few years, I started noticing myself growing older mentally as I gradually developed interests in activities I thought I would never do while at a younger age. For example, cooking, gardening and working from home. Cooking has never been my forte nor hobby. And I self-proclaim as a spontaneous cook. Most of the time, I dump whatever I can find in the kitchen to the pot to make a meal. Whatever my ginny pigs said, I deemed reading the recipe as an act of killing my creativity. Lately though, I began having thoughts about following instructions and learning how to properly cook a meal. If time travel existed, and my 20-year-old self were to find out how much I’ve changed in 10 years, she would most likely destroy me on the spot.

Are these inner changes simply a normal process of life, or a sign of getting older? The concept of aging used to scare me, but now I love having treaded more steps in the journey of life. And I can’t wait to see what lies ahead.