In Love With the Idea?

I love trees! Hence, I enjoy being in the woods, nature and most outdoors activities. However, there were times when I could not wait to get back to the hustle and bustle in the city. A friend once jokingly suggested that I’m more in love with the idea of living in the country than the actual lifestyle. Maybe…

Yes, many projects of mine were left unfinished because I either got bored or lost interest. Before announcing my most recent goal to manage a country B&B some day, I went through my head over and over again what it would actually be like living the country. The housekeeping part of it does not appeal to me very much. However, I do take good care of my living environment and start to enjoy being home-bound more often as I get older. Then I envisioned myself driving on the country roads, and through the woods. What can I say? I was immediately sold to that image with my hands in the air. Yet I must say my friend’s suggestion provoked a lot of thoughts in my head. It seems harder for me to let go because I tend to hold on to the idea of situations. The idea of fear and failure, the idea of being alone, the idea of not having enough money to get by, the idea of…

How silly am I to feel blue for these ideas when they may not be reality? And most of the time, I find myself handling the reality of a presumed scenario better than expected. Then why all the doubts?

To be honest, it has been more challenging than I thought to organize a tour package for a business purpose.  And I have slacked and wondered whether this is going to work. Am I only in love with the idea, like many of my previous “flings”? The truth is, this idea is still more appealing than doing what I do now for the rest of my life. So what if I’m more in love with the idea than the reality of adventures? As far as I know, I’ve taken actions to try out most expeditions that came across my mind when I can. How can one achieve great things if he/she is not in love with his/her own ideas?

adventures

Wake Up Call

Had a wake up call moment last night. A sudden revelation of how I unconsciously repeat the same old pattern when it comes to people.  It felt like a thunder shot through my brain and enabled alerts to every fiber of my nerve. Complex emotions tumbled inside while I asked myself why I tend to choose similar roads that eventually lead to destruction. Frustrated, yet relieved to see things more clearly, I turned to my true love – country travels. Despite what feels like never-ending gloominess in my “real life,” my effort to put together a country tour package is gradually forming. There are positive news and little accomplishment every day that brings me closer to the finish line. And that is what keeps me going and motivated.

This time, I decide to listen to my intuition and continue to march forward. After all, true happiness comes from within. It is ok to smell the roses at times, but we should not to get distracted or carried away by their aroma and forget to be aware of their thorns.  Stay focused and happy!

Spontaneous Sunday Leisure

 

My Sunday started with multiple snoozes and being reluctant to get off bed, not knowing who to call or where to go. As I wandered around online replying some emails, a last minute text invite came in for an afternoon hike.  And that started a great Sunday experience for me. A revisit to the thousand-step waterfall, where a small rainbow welcomed our arrival. Some diving actions, floating, sunbathing, and chilling. The day ended at a reservoir with good food, snacks, great conversations accompanied by beautiful sunset.  Love how life brings unexpected sunshine to clear yesterday’s gloomy air. A Sun-day for sure!

Expectations

I’ve always struggled with Expectations, from others and myself. And I struggle to decide whether Expectations should be something important in life. There are quotes saying “No expectations, no disappointments.” There are also those that goes like this:

It seems obvious and logical that if one holds no expectation from his/herself, he/she is unlikely to be successful. After browsing more about Expectations, it seems the point is where it is placed and how we manage it. It is quite frustrating when I find myself forming expectations on people or events that already had a vicious pattern of failure in my history. Am I insane, so that I expect different results from similar experiences? Or am I addicted to what seems unreachable but exciting, even if I know I’m likely to get badly hurt? Wild expectations, wild disappointments? 

For some time, I lead a lifestyle of “No or Low Expectations.” And I found it to be quite un-motivating.  However, it did save me a lot of heartaches. Growing up with the value to fulfill expectations, it has become part of my gene to hope that my hard work will always pay off. The idea of giving without any expectation of reward has always been something I’d love to experience. I wonder if there’s a customized program that I install in my brain, so this expectation thing only merges on the purpose of pushing myself forward. But is it really possible to be expectation-free? What kind of society would that be?

Where do You See Yourself in 5 Years?

It sounds like a common interview question, which many of us were probably asked or ask ourselves thousands of times. Are you a planner? Or do you go with the flow and see where life leads you? Or have you achieved everything you’ve wanted. When a friend asked me this question yesterday, it took me a while to come up with an answer. And I didn’t sound as certain as I used to 5 years ago.  5 years ago, I would never have believed the kind of life I’ve had and where I end up now. When I think about “the future” now, it is a much humbler vision than what I had 5 years ago. In the past, the future scared and excited me at the same time. It scared me because I worried that things may not go according to my plans. It excited me because anything is possible. And I’m sure I’m not alone in this conflicting emotion.

Yesterday, I went to a waterfall which takes about a thousand steps to and fro for the 3rd time. Although the elevation was still challenging for me on the way back, I noticed that it took me less time to finish the steps each time. Moreover, I needed fewer stops to rest and was able to catch my breath at the end of the climb. This progress reminds me of the importance of consistency and self-discipline. My bike rides and exercises are finally paying off, despite the numerous temptation to watch movies in bed.

As far as the future goes, I expect myself to stick to my passion and learn from my past. There is no longer certainty or a title to describe the future I would like to see myself in. But this does not mean I do not have a goal. As I get older, flexibility and unconventionality become regular guests of my life. I’ve spent too much time whining and wondering why things didn’t go my way. Yet, most of the time, all I have to do is focus on what I love most and keep doing it without being sidetracked by other people’s opinions. Little by little, like the thousand step climb, I should get closer to where I really want to be 5 years from now.

Heart Warmer

We are all familiar with leg warmers. But do you have a “heart warmer?” Found my farewell gift from previous employment and it certainly warmed up my heart 2 years later. Though I hated that job, and so as many of my coworkers, it was still a period of my life where it was full of achievement and fulfillment. I gained my MBA during that time and through the benefit of the company. I was able to end the shared house lifestyle and afford the first ever apartment all for myself. It was an opportunity of my dream for some time…at least before things turned sour. Even now, 2 years after leaving the job for almost 4 years, I can still remember the routines that went on in the office. Despite the dramas to put up with, I miss everyone I worked with. It was hard to appreciate each other’s hard work when a regular day often felt like going through a never-ending tunnel.

When it was my time for farewell, I didn’t want any big announcement. Though I acted as if I was thrilled to end my misery, I was struggling in my heart not to drop a tear and to hold back my worries about my future. It took me one year to make up my mind to leave. And I must admit that it came with 50/50 regret and relief. I’m glad the regretting part of this decision has gradually faded. It has been replaced by a sensation of freedom and confidence that I can now start building my dream upon the skills I’ve learned from that experience. How wasteful of time to miss what’s passed? Yet, what a chapter in my memoir! Well, at least I’ve regained my vision on the direction I should march towards. As my wise coworker wrote, “Face life straight in the eyes and push forward!”

Everyone and every life experience, is here to teach us something. Marching on with lots of smiles~

Encounter of the Heart

Have you ever wanted something to happen but it’s not something you can control? So you either forget about it or just hope that some day, when all the stars are aligned, it’d happen? j/k

I have been feeling extremely exhausted for the past two days that I almost wanted to skip my weekly workout yesterday. Eventually, my vanity took over. So I still dragged myself out, reminding myself of my goal to tighten up my thighs. It was a good crowd this time, and the workout has been effective as usual. I was glad that I decided to come out and sweat. Towards the end of the session, an acquaintance passed by and stopped to join our seemingly spontaneous street exercise.  It took me a few seconds to recognize him. However, it was someone I’ve been hoping to run into again since our first encounter about 1.5 months ago. 

After the workout, we caught up with each other through great conversations. Some call this coincidence, and some praise God. I have never been religious, but I do feel in awe a lot of times when things simply happen when I least expect. Maybe it’s like what they say, when one focuses on doing what he/she loves doing, the rest will follow. I’ve encountered several occasions so far where certain events trigger the meeting of certain people who bring the resources I need at a time most needed.

It is true that life can only be understood backwards. All the coordinate form after we’ve passed those points. And the only thing we can do at the present is to keep heading that big direction of our goals. Along the way, life will gradually start to make sense with every step we take.